A Misanthropic Anthropoid With Plenty to Say

So...

2009-09-09T03:10:07Z

We've set a date. Yikes! That's a scary thought -- knowing just when such a huge change in your life is going to take place, and that it is a completely voluntary and planned event...

Anyway, the wedding is going to be Oct. 31, 2010. Yeah, a wedding in the woods on Halloween. That's fitting, no?

But the bigger thing is that I need to rededicate myself to the weight loss thing. In the next 13.5 months, I am aiming to lose 100 pounds. I don't want my wedding pictures to look anything like the ones that were just taken at her brother's wedding. (Now who's sounding like a girl!!)

It was like Cujo...but with feathers.

2009-04-21T20:40:47Z

Sharon Woods Metropark is a nice little place to relax. There's not much there in the way of hiking -- the ground is flat, the woods sparse -- but there is a nice little pond and plenty of open ground. And it's spring, so everything is getting green, though not quite yet lush.

More importantly, it's about half-way between two of my work locations, so I can go there twice or three times a week for lunch and a break. Today was one of those days.

When the weather is warm, I like to sit out on one of the benches or maybe a picnic table to eat my lunch, enjoy the view, and maybe even read a bit. Often times, I will take a walk on the easy, mile-long trail. Today, however, was a chilly day, with drizzles of rain coming often enough to make this a less tempting idea.

So, I sat in my truck and ate a lunch of last night's leftovers while watching the few ducks and far too many geese out on the pond. I then picked up my book to digest a few more chapters before heading back to the grind. It was just a calm, easy lunch break. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Nothing, that is, until he appeared.

It started when I noticed a car in my peripheral vision. It was stopped, in the middle of the lot, perpendicular to me and right off my right rear bumper. Thinking this odd, I raised my eyes to the rearview and saw both driver and passenger looking surprised and pointing toward my passenger door.

That's when I heard it, an unmistakable sound. Gobble, gobble, gobble.

One brow raised, I leaned over to my right and tried to peer out the passenger-side window. Just as I did, his pink head came up over the sill and he gobbled at me again. I laughed and grabbed my cell phone to snap a picture. I think that was my mistake.

I don't know whether he was offended by the laughter or felt threatened by the soul-stealing nature of photography, but from that moment on, he was fixated on me and my truck like a rabid St. Bernard...or something like that.

He circled around the front of the truck, and I heard the pecking along the fender. Somehow, deep down in my soul, I knew he was checking for a weak point, for a way to gain entry. At the same time, I knew I couldn't allow this.

I knew I couldn't make any sudden movements, but I didn't need to. Slowly, I shifted my left foot over to the clutch and pressed the petal. The truck rolled forward a few inches and the demon-bird hopped back, looking at me and gobbbling again.

Bobbing his head, he moved forward again. I had scared him, but not enough to drive him off. I decided to try once more, so I let in the clutch again and the truck rolled forward another few inches. This time, Tom the Terror had me figured out. He darted forward, yes, but also to his right -- clearing the bumper and circling around the driver's side. I watched him in the side mirror until he cleared the back bumper, too. That's when I lost sight of him.

I sat there, not sure of what to do. Was he lulling me into a feeling of security? Had he really gone? I could see that he hadn't managed to find his way into the bed, but that was all I could see. My head was on a swivel looking for his next attack, but it was as if he had disappeared, most likely back to the Thanksgiving-holocaust-inspired hell from whence he came.

I began to relax again. I picked up my book and found my page. I began to read once more of the adventures of John Clark and Ding. Then he was there.

I froze, looking at him only out of the corner of my eye. He was about 15 or 20 feet away, straight out from the driver's door. I concentrated on my breathing, forced my heart to beat slower. Then he charged.

Head low, he moved right at me. I was amazed at the speed at which a turkey could move. Then I remembered: this was no ordinary turkey, this was Tom the Terror. He had closed half the distance before I could blink. Suddenly a new feeling took hold. A surge.

Adrenaline.

I let him come a little closer then suddenly swung the door out wide. Tom pulled up short, wings flared out in anger, and gobbled loudly. I shut the door again just as quick as I had opened it, but not before he had begun moving forward again. I felt the first one, right in the middle of the door, more than heard it, but again the sounds came. Peck. Peck, peck, peckpeckpeck, peck. Testing again, he moved front-to-back along the drivers side. Then back-to-front up the passenger side.

I pressed in the clutch once more as he rounded the front, but I moved less than an inch before my tire thudded against the curb. I was out of options.

Tom the Terror continued to circle the truck. Slowly. A little further back, just out of pecking distance. He was sizing me up. Looking for that one key weakness. Thank the gods that turkeys don't know about glass. Around and around he went. Slower and slower still.

Then a new sound. Low. Rumbling. I saw it coming from the right, still at a distance. Green. Dark green. Coming my way. My hopes began to rise. A truck. Park rangers. There was salvation out there. Surely, they would take care of Tom...but where did he go?

All around my truck, I looked for the turkey. But he had disappeared again. As the ranger truck came closer, I took my chances and opened my door. I stepped out. He was gone.

I waved to the rangers, but decided not to flag them down. Heroes that they were, I knew they'd never believe me. I don't believe it, and I was there. In any case, it was time to go back to work. But I had learned my lessons. And I don't think I'll be lunching at Sharon Woods come Friday.

Habermas? No, seriously....you want Habermas?

2009-02-18T03:00:14Z

I decided the other day to finally follow through on my plans to excise from my library a good portion of those books from grad school that I'll never want again. Within 24 hours of them being up (thanks babe!), they're starting to go...beginning with that unbelievable, stinkin' pile of, er German intellectualism. It's like a huge mental stone was lifted off my chest.

So long, Jurgy! You won't be missed, I assure you.

Fun with numbers, diet style

2009-02-10T13:40:09Z

I'm heading out to a doctor's appointment this morning, so I thought I'd check to see where I'm at with the diet (so I'm well armed to deflect the "You need to lose weight" lecture).

It has been 254 days since June 1, and I've lost 67.2 pounds. (Man, it's taken me a month and a half to undo the damage from the holidays...I'm still 0.8 pounds above my all-time low on this diet.)

That works out to 0.265 pounds per day. (So, it looks like I won't hit 75 pounds down by my birthday, damn!)

At that pace, it will take 963 total days of dieting to reach my goal weight. That will be Jan 19, 2011.

Damn, that seems so far away...anyone got a sharp knife and a vacuum cleaner with a small nozzle attachment?

akennett @ 2009-01-25T20:20:00

2009-01-26T01:20:10Z

Quick link for Columbus Ohio folks...

2009-01-22T20:48:18Z

Giant Eagle is offering a 5% foodperks bonus for watching a short (and thoroughly stupid) video about the program. Offer is only valid one-per-household, and (sorry everyone else) it's only for Columbus-area stores. Link is here: http://gianteaglemailer.com/a/hBJeJW0AOSUlYB7bfE5BwodvRVJ/video

Getting to know you...getting to know all about you...

2009-01-20T13:36:41Z

Welcome to the new 2009 edition of getting to know your family and friends. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.
Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends. The easiest way to do it is to hit 'forward' so you can change the answers or copy and paste. Have fun and be truthful!

1.What is your occupation right now?
Merchandiser...and full-time job seeker

2. What color are your socks right now?
White...with grey toes...and a hole in one heel...

3. What are you listening to right now?
TV...and Erica chatting on the phone

4. What was the last thing that you ate?
A bowl of Lucky Charms

5. Can you drive a stick shift?
I hope so...my truck has a manual tranny

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone
My new manager

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Only 1 bazillion percent!

8. How old are you today?
30...for a month

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?
Football and Hockey...if only they showed hockey on TV anymore...

10. What is your favorite drink?
GOOD Beer

11. Have you ever dyed your hair?
Once or twice...

12. Favorite food?
Pizza...or wings...or chili...or whatever is in front of me...

13. What is the last movie you watched?
The Dark Knight

14. Favorite day of the year?
Winter Solstice

15. How do you vent anger?
You're supposed to vent anger? I roll my own into a tight little ball.

16. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Legos!!!!!

17. What is your favorite season?
Winter...or maybe Fall...nah, Winter.

18. Cherries or Blueberries?
Blueberries...yummy blueberry pancakes...mmmmmmmm

19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?
I'll be posting this on LJ, so, um, not about this, but otherwise is cool!

20. Who is the most likely to respond?
N/A

21. Who is least likely to respond?
N/A

22. Living arrangements?
Apartment, with the greatest girlfriend in the world and a few petses

23. When was the last time you cried
I honestly don't remember.

24. What is on the floor of your closet?
All kinds of junk, including clothes and bedding

25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to?
Like I said, postin' it on LJ

26. What did you do last night
Watched House and 24 while job hunting.

27. What are you most afraid of
That my complete and utter failings at being an adult will be a vicious cycle that just continues for the rest of my life. (What? Too real an answer?)

28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers?
Cheeseburgers...with bacon! Something spicy is good, too, but the bacon and cheese are the two must-haves.

29. Favorite dog breed?
Old English Sheepdog. Oliver was the Best Dog Ever!!!!! and I've long-since wanted another.

30. Favorite day of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. No work, go hiking, have fun.

31. How many states have you lived in?
Four -- Pennsylvania, Indiana, Iowa, Ohio

32. Diamonds or pearls?
Is it wrong to suggest pearls...in a necklace form...

33. What is your favorite flower?
Those little red flowers that crop up in the metroparks, usually just one in sight at a time, like in that M. Night Ramalamadingdong movie.

It always happens when you're in the can...

2009-01-16T21:30:46Z

It does, seriously. That's when the (metaphorical) shit hits the (again, metaphorical) fan.

I was sitting on the john, peacefully tending to business when my phone rings. Not being one to talk on the phone in that particular situation, I quickly send the call to voicemail. After finishing up, I check the message, only to hear the governor (cleverly disguising his voice as that of my manager) telling me to call him from a store phone and to have pen and paper at the ready.

"Now what?" I thought as I headed back to where my things were stashed, grabbed a notepad and dialed the phone.

Now what, indeed!

It seems that my company's contract with our customer will expire at the end of June, and it has not been renewed. Oh, and also 39 reps are being laid off today. However, as I said previously, my call came from the governor...it seems I'm one of those who's been granted a temporary stay of execution. In the mean time, I've been re-sentenced to hard labor, picking up the work for those who have been canned.

ETA: Heh. It seems that the employee forum on the company internet page is suddenly experiencing technical difficulties...
ETA2: Now the message about the forums is gone from the website, but so is the link to the forums...

Hmm....

2008-12-31T03:23:43Z

So, I considered doing one of those year-in-review memes but thought better of it. I think my year can be summed up with the following revelation:

I think, considering my current situation, that it's time to update the name of the "Jobs 2007" folder on my desktop.

(Also, while baby-talk can be cute in certain situations, it's 'revelation' not 'relevation'...)

I'm confused...

2008-12-27T16:44:50Z

Can someone please tell me what day this is? My internal clock has been all messed up...

Based on the length of "just one more minute", it should only be about 30 seconds since we arrived.

Based on the amount of computer time I've managed to wrangle, it should be about 10 PM Christmas Eve.

Based on the amount of actual rest I've gotten, it should be somewhere around 4 in the morning on Christmas Day.

Based on the amount of Wii we've played, it should be about July.

Based on the amount of food I've eaten since getting here, it should be December 27...2009.

So, does anybody really know what time it is?

Kids say the darnedest things...

2008-12-14T13:20:48Z

So, yesterday +1 and I made the trek back to PA to visit with my family and see my little bro before he re-deploys to Iraq. When we got there, there was a surprise -- My older brother was there as well, along with his kid. Seeing Travis, I knew that I had to revert back into my role...as 'Uncle Scary Guy.'

Apparently, a year is a long time when you have just turned 4, and Uncle Scary Guy, while still kinda scary, isn't quite as bad as he used to be. Since there weren't tears and screams of terror simply from me showing up, I knew I had to up the ante. It was time, I decided, to introduce Travis to the swirley.

The swirley, for those who aren't initiated (though I have a hard time believing such people exist), involved holding the victim upside down and lowering them into the bowl of a toilet as you flush it. It's great fun for the perpetrator and any and all on-lookers. Maybe not so much for the victim.

Anyway, Travis got his very first swirley, and my position as Uncle Scary Guy was safe, at least for a little while. An hour or so later, I wasn't as scary anymore, and the kid was getting brave.

"Hey Travis," I inquired. "Want another swirley?"

"Yeah."

"Really? Okay"

Before he knew what was happening, I had scooped him up and away we went, toward the toilet. About four or five feet from the bathroom door, he realized what he was in for and began to struggle. I decided to relent.

"Okay, Travis, I'll make a deal. You can get a swirley or give Grandma a hug."

He paused, thinking about this for a minute before answering...

"Flush it!"

Why is it so hard to understand?

2008-12-05T03:32:11Z

Seriously, people, why don't we all just learn to read?

The Constitution clearly states that a member of Congress can't take another position in government during the same term in which that position had its pay increased.

A Senator is clearly a member of Congress.

The pay for the position of Secretary of State was increased earlier this year.

So, combining these three points, how the hell can Obama think he can appoint Hillary as Secretary of State? Dude, if you want to make that shitty decision, you have to wait until her current term is expired.

If this is the "change" he promised -- a change that means nothing more than the continued destruction of even the plainest language in the Constitution -- then I'm really beginning to regret my vote. Hell, at least with McCumstain you knew he had no respect for the rule of law.

akennett @ 2008-11-29T19:20:00

2008-11-30T00:27:41Z

Ssshhhhh! Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm skipping out on work right now.

No, not employment-type work, but form Erica-induced work. "We" decided that "we" should clean today. The whole apartment. And somehow, when "we" divided up the tasks, I got kitchen duty. Yay!

I think the same decision has now been made about the stovetop and its accumulated grease and gunk as has been made about my bathroom...cleaning more often is definitely called for...

Yeah, but cleaning, some holiday, I tell ya...

So...um, fuck you!

2008-11-22T01:52:54Z

For the last little bit, I've been doing on-line tutoring during the evenings as a second job. (Holy crap! Income that isn't automatically spent on incoming bills and paying down debts!!!!) It's been 4 nights a week for about 20-25 hours total each week. Well, on Wednesday i got an email stating that they are over-staffed, so my Tuesday and Thursday hours are being eliminated.

Well, thinks I, that sucks, but truth be told, the extra sleep that will allow will make getting up at 6 for my full-time job a bit more doable. So, it sucks, but it's end the end of the world.

Not, at least, until Thursday....

It's about 6:30, and I'm relaxing with some dinner when my phone goes off. I look, but the number is ID-blocked so I don't answer it. (Sorry, if you won't tell me who you are, I don't want to talk to you.) I do, however, check the voicemail that's left.

"Hi. This is from BrainFart (not the company's real name). We don't have enough tutors scheduled tonight, so if you're available, please log on and we'll get you connected."

Can we say "Hell no!"? Yes we can!

Fuck!

2008-11-09T00:04:20Z

Fuck! Fuck, fuckity-fuck fuck. FUCK!

From now on, the entire state of Iowa is on my list. Permanently.

I will have my revenge, you corn-picking pieces of shit!

Oh yes, I will.

But now it's time to hurt the liver.

Rats...foiled again!

2008-11-04T20:22:16Z

I was this close. THIS close...

I went to vote after skipping out of work a little early, and almost got the opportunity to vote twice. I checked in, asked for my paper ballot, and was heading toward the little desk and screens when I heard her.

"Excuse me, sir..."

I turned around, and there she was -- the poll worker who signed me in.

"I'm terribly sorry, but I forgot to have you sign this."

I looked down and there, in her hands, was the voter registration log. Disappointed, I smiled, said "No problem," and signed my name.

Damnit, and here I thought I was going to get to vote twice!

Okay, this is not right...

2008-11-03T01:37:31Z

We went on a 6-mile off-trail hike on Saturday at Batelle-Darby Creek metropark. It was fun, but tough at spots (especially since our guide took the wrong path and made it even tougher on us). Overall, it was a great time, and we even got to scope out part of the former private retreat of one of the heirs to the Drumstick fortune. (I shit you not!)

What's not right, however, is that my legs are still killing me! Work is not going to be fun tomorrow!

Hey, Obama people....

2008-10-31T20:43:20Z

I need a moment or two of your time. C'mon, that's the least you can do for a swing-state voter, right? So, today I looked over a copy of the sample ballot for this year's race, and I need some help from you all.

(But first, Cynthia McKinney? Seriously? The Greens picked that bat-shit crazy woman to run for President? No wonder no one takes third parties seriously!)

During the primaries, I wanted to take a look at all the candidates running for the two major parties -- basically, looking to see if there was someone I could support. I created a three-pronged test to weed candidates out: if you failed on one of these three items, positions I felt unable to compromise on (but really, I'm willing to compromise on most others), then I would not be able to support your candidacy. It may say more about my views than anything else, but every single candidate still in the running failed miserably by the time it we were to vote -- including the much hyped junior Senator from Illinois. Since the nominations, however, I have taken the time to inform myself of the respective platforms of the parties and the candidates, so I'm good on that information.

Obama's failure on that screening test is his support for a federal health insurance program (and no, semantic arguments about whether or not it is a "universal healthcare" program or not aren't going to win me over). I do, however, slightly prefer him over his only realistic competition on the ticket -- mostly on foreign policy grounds, but also because he seems much more able to at least consider a more nuanced view on any sort of policy. I am, however, very wary of many of his domestic positions.

Now, I am dead-set not going to vote for McSame and his retarded monkey sidekick (so I guess this would only be a half-vote pick-up for Obama). Let's get that straight from the start. But what I would like to hear are arguments on why Obama is worth voting for if it means an abandonment of principles. What makes this man worth compromising on uncompromisable positions?

Say it ain't so, Homer!

2008-10-02T23:50:08Z

This doesn't happen in America...maybe Ohio, but not America!

http://www.wjno.com/cc-common/news/sections/newsarticle.html?feed=244038&article=4338967

Okay, I'll play

2008-09-22T19:03:59Z

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question. Whatev.

B) Tag 8 people to do this quiz. Nah. I'm a rebel, see...

And now, for the questions:

1. How many songs are on your iPod? Assuming that also includes the old, cheap-ass piece-of-crap generic thing I have, 2592. Guess I need to get on the ball and download like crazy, eh?

2. What music would you want played at your funeral? AC-DC "Highway to Hell"

3. What magazines do you have subscriptions to? None. Though for some strange reason, several catalogs show up with my name on them, all selling things like barley malt and hops...

4. What is your favorite scent? Frying bacon? Yeah, maybe... Actually, the floral/earthy/woodsy smell of great outdoors has been really high on the list -- but that's probably because I've been hitting the woods for exercise lately.

5. If you had a million dollars that you could only spend on yourself, what would you do with it? Well, the bills thing is obviously first. Then a crapload would go toward a house with a huge yard. Gotta get a dog (or two), too. And prolly a new car -- something a bit less fuel-thirsty than the truck.

6. What is your theme song? Dennis Leary's "Asshole"

7. Do you trust easily? Um....wouldn't that imply that I trust?

8. Do you generally think before you act, or act before you think? Usually, I think as I act, and then it's usually "Aw, shit. What have I gotten myself into now?!?!?".

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days? Oh gods, yes. Plenty.

10. Do you have a good body-image? I think that may come once I get rid of the extra body or two that I'm carrying around...

11. Is being tagged fun? Well, it was back in grade school, especially by that cute little red-head...er, what's that?

12. How do you spend your social networking (Facebook, etc.) time? My what now?

13. What have you been seriously addicted to lately? Crystal Light ("...'Cause I believe in me!"), sudoku, the Columbus metroparks.

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is? I'm gonna use +1's answer about the person who first posted this on my f-list: "She's crazy" But I'll add "...in a good way."

15. What’s the last song that got stuck in your head? "Goodbye Earl" by the Dixie Chicks. But it's Erica's fault -- she got me Karoake Revolution: Country recently.

16.What’s your favorite item of clothing? My nice blue, casual button-down shirt. It's been a favorite since I got it (not too long ago), but since I've dropped some serious poundage, it now looks like I'm swimming in that thing.

17. Do you think Rice Krispies are yummy? Too bland and almost insubstantial. I'll join the chorus of those liking them as treats, though.

18. What would you do if you saw $100 lying on the ground? Surreptitiously step on the bill(s), glance around to see if anyone noticed, then bend down to tie my shoe, at which point I palm the money and I'm outta there.

19. What items could you not go without during the day? Wallet, watch, knife, keys? Then I'm good to go. I do "need" some internet access, though.

20. What should you be doing right now? Finding a $^%@&@%&%$&^*# job.

Short-sighted Simpletons...

2008-09-21T08:14:23Z

I'm sick of all the bitching about the current economic crisis and who's to blame for it. It's Bush's fault. No, it's Clinton's fault. Reagan. Gramm. No, it started in the '60s.

You know what? You're all wrong. If you are looking for someone to blame, you have to go back farther than that. It's all the fault of Alexander goddamn Hamilton. There, I said it.

Now, can we stop fellating these rich-ass Wall Street douchebags and let them suffer for their stupid-ass loans?

If only Burr had gotten that West Indies prick sooner...

I beat Foggy by almost 30 seconds!

2008-09-16T21:38:55Z

1 minute, 6 seconds

Created by Bunk Beds Pedia

akennett @ 2008-09-04T22:20:00

2008-09-05T03:08:19Z

Obama got his grade, now it's McC(umst)ain's turn.

Speaking Ability: B-
Motivational/Inspirational Ability: D
Foreign Policy: F?
Domestic Policy: D-?

I was tempted to drop him an entire letter grade for the shit-eating grin and general smarminess, but I managed to withhold from that. I did, however, drop him 1/3 for the overbearing goons pouncing on the crowd.

Unweighted Grade: D-
Weighed Grade: F

I can only estimate the FP and DP grades -- he didn't even expand on anything worth talking about in the speech. What a waste of time!

Steps onto the scales and...

2008-09-02T20:06:10Z

breathes a sigh of relief.

Yeah, I should have done it yesterday, but we were traveling back from Cleveland, where we went for the holiday weekend. Instead, I weighed in this morning, and after just about 3 months since I started, the scale said something shocking -- down 33 pounds overall.

When I set the goal to lose 100 pounds in 12 months, I hedged my bet by saying that I would be happy as long as it's over 50 gone. Man, that seems laughable now! I'm on pace not only to make that 100 pound mark, but to completely shred it!

It's grading time:

2008-08-29T02:53:34Z

Speechifying ability: A+
Motivational/Inspirational ability: A
Foreign Policy: B+/A-
Domestic Policy: D

Hmm...

(100+95+90+65)/4= 88

Obama gets a B+. I highly doubt that McCain will do so well.

(On the weighted scale, B.O. only rates a B-)

ETA: Crap, forgot energy policy, that raises Obama's Domestic score a bit...